I am often baffled by the way some “submissives”/”slaves” approach a Dominatrix. In my position as Mistress Anu own slave I often see some of them, but not only here also just following people on Twitter you become aware of how some people really have no idea.

I know lots of them are really just guys looking for a quick few words to help them with their immediate satisfaction goals, these are not the ones I am talking about.  It’s those who actually want to serve but fail completely at their approach… I have a few different types of guys:

Those who say nothing:
I find it incredible that your first message to a Domme would just be “Hey”.  Do they think that the Domme is just sitting around waiting for someone to chat to?  That message gives no indication of whether or not you’ll be worth their time, so why would they respond to that?

Those who think they do it for fun:
I’m not saying Dominatrixes don’t enjoy their jobs, but at the end of the day this is how a Professional Domme makes a living.  Take the message to the right, he bought (a fairly expensive gift, and was hoping that this could be offset against a session.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure a Domme loves any gift you buy her, but something from her wishlist isn’t going to pay her bills!

At least this person bought a gift, there are others that think just because they have a fetish that is something a Domme really enjoys then they’ll be happy to partake in either a long discussion about it or even assist them more than that… seriously do people think that this is going to help the Domme pay her rent?

Those who are ridiculously demanding:
From my experience Dommes are really busy people, they have to have multiple ways to turn their profession into a good income therefore they often have to plan when they will be doing sessions versus when they might be spending time on cam/phone and then also when they might respond to requests from subs, when they film content and when actually they actual have a life of their own.  It’s because of the last bit that most will have recommended times to call their number or preferential ways in which to contact them to arrange what you desire.  So many however seem to get frustrated when a Domme isn’t immediately available – how would you like it if she answered a call in the middle of your session?

Some tips from me are:

• Read everything about them before contact (likely they’ll have a website, my wonderful Mistress’s site is here:
• If they mention how is best to contact them use that as a first step.
• Introduce yourself but not excessively and let them know what you are looking for from your interaction.
• Make sure there is plenty of time – don’t call them asking for a session in an hour!
• If you’ve arranged a session make sure you have told them what you want from it, they aren’t a mind reader!
• If they ask for a deposit pay the deposit.  No Professional Dominatrix is going to risk their reputation by just taking a persons deposit without then providing a service, however Dommes are stood-up a lot!
• If a Domme says she doesn’t do something, then she doesn’t do it, you wont change her mind mid session just because you think you’re the one to change them.

On a similar note I’ve had some people tell me I’m lucky to be owned by Mistress Nikky.  Yes I do feel really lucky, however I don’t think it was down to luck, I work hard for her and try and make myself useful to her, not because she asks me to but because I want to!

I think I’ve made approaching a Domme really daunting here, but to be honest it should be.  This is a woman you’re hoping to serve, you should be cautious about what you are saying in your message as they reflect you and that first interaction is going to form a first impression, you want to start off on the right foot!

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Different Types of Timewaster

And, how not to be one.

We all know about deliberate and blatant timewasters – though, we often assume timewaster = someone who books a session and doesn’t show, or overmilks a conversation without a firm booking. Or pretends to have bought something from a Wishlist (perhaps even buys, sends ‘proof’ then cancels the order)

They know exactly what they’re doing.

 

Sadly, there’s no fool proof net, but I think most people have learnt a lot of the behaviours with timewasters and/or tried to minimise the impact.
i.e. taking deposits before confirming a booking, or discussing further details. Waiting for gifts to arrive. Etc.

I think there seems to have been a bit of a rise of timewasters lately (edit : it seems to have dipped again, but at the start and end of the summer, when I drafted this, it seemed to go nuts), it seems to have dips and troughs – possibly linked to holiday periods. But, some, I’d like to give the benefit of the doubt (ha!) that they’re not deliberate timewasters, but can sharp get mistaken (ha!) for one and ultimately not get what they want.

I’m not asking for the Ladies to give these guys the benefit of the doubt. I’m asking for the guys to think “Am I ultimately wasting Her time, here?”

So. Here are some different types of timewaster, try not to be one of them (and, I guess, for new Ladies, some traits that may not be worth your time)

Although this is bias towards Pro-Domme, I feel a lot of this is transferable. I’m sure every woman on social media has had a message, at some point, from a guy who “just wants to talk” who really just wants to masturbate.

My list is non-exhaustive. But, I realised this was getting a bit long and saw the irony in wasting everyone’s time reading a blog about timewasters.

THE FREE CONSULTATION

The guy claims to be interested in booking a session, but wants a 5 minute chat to “see if we click”
If challenged, his side of the story will be that he wants to make sure it is right before spending money.

The problem : This 5 minute chat is 5 minutes of Her working day that She is not getting paid for. If every prospective client wants this, She could spend 1-3 hours talking to people who don’t book a session, or have no intention of booking a session, which is time that could be spent on a number of other things (preparing for actual sessions, admin, promotion, accounts, etc)

How not to waste time : I fully endorse the idea of researching someone before booking a session, but, mostly for your own safety and that it’ll be in-line with your expectations. You are booking a session, not committing to spend the rest of your life with someone. If someone interests you, but you’re not quite sure – why not book a 5-10 minute Skype, AdultWork or IM chat where you pay per minute and chat for as long as short as needed at a cost relatively low to the session cost.

See also : Those who use up their free 5 minutes on AdultWork and keep coming back every couple of days without ever sliding into paid chat. The purpose of the free 5 minutes is largely to discuss interests for the paid time.

THE FISHERMAN

There are many different ways to do this – but, for example, contacting multiple women whether it’s via DM or in response to public social media posts. This of course has mixed opinions and some women might be quick to block or start ignoring, others may engage in chatter.

The problem : The intention was never just a casual comment or to show someone you are interested, it’s basically fishing for a reaction, and almost playing women against each other.

How not to waste time : Before pressing send, ask yourself, “does this contribute anything to Her?” and it might be you think, “Yes, it tells Her I like Her outfit, or that She is pretty” or other kinds of non-beneficial compliments. If you really think it’s necessary to hit send, next up think to yourself “how many times have I told Her recently anyway and how many other people have I said it to today?” and be self-aware of how it comes across to another woman who would scroll down Her feed and find you’d said the same thing to 15 people that day.
Research someone using their website, clips, reading their blog, to see if they fit what you’re looking for, rather than just seeing who responds.

THE COMPLIMENTER

Ties in, but from the “You’re so pretty, Mistress” to the “Ahh… I won’t compliment Her looks, I’ll be clever… ‘I like Your outfit’”

The problem : It’s a cheap throw away comment. It has a value of nil. The next chapter of problem is that it also can tear the person between saying nothing and feeling rude and saying ‘Thanks’ only for some to think it entitles them to something or others to be encouraged to do it more often.

How not to waste time : Nobody is saying don’t compliment. Just be aware the value is nil. It owes you nothing and, again, if this is the 15th Mistress you have ‘complimented’ today it looks like you’re fishing for a reaction.

THE MESSANGER

Mistress seems cool, so the guy slides into DMs for a chat. Maybe She will reply. Maybe not. But he will persist anyway.

The problem : This one is very contextual. I suppose for the sake of argument we’re talking two people who’ve never met and of whom money has never changed hands (mind, even if you have met or have gifted doesn’t mean you’re entitled to anything) so in most cases She will not generally fancy-a-chat but maybe replies to humour you or to avoid you being overly persistant. Maybe she doesn’t and hopes you’ll get the hint. She’s not your friend, nor owes you anything and every minute She is spent on you is not on Her business.

How not to waste time : Ask yourself if you know the person, are you friends, is this message exchange ultimately “free entertainment” for you (whether you lie to yourself and claim it’s “getting to know Her” or not) and yeah, if it’s for you and if you really want that chat… paid IM session.

THE BUSINESS ADVISOR

“If you charged less you’d get more business” is a common trope. Ditto for suggestions on “introductory discounts”

The problem : You’re not *actually* a business advisor. You don’t know the industry as well as the Woman who has been in it for years. It is true that some Mistresses offer discounts or special offers, but the difference is this is an industry they know and they have costed and priced up the ‘offer’ with a measurable view of what they hope to make. This works when it’s put out from a business, not when dictated by the customer. I can’t give a short answer to the “if you charged less you’d get more business” fallacy, but, remember that expenses and overheads don’t decrease if someone lowers their prices.

How not to waste time : Basically. Shut the fuck up. If you actually know the Mistress and are discussing ideas to make Her more money, that is different – but otherwise you’re not offering ‘advice’ you’re being cheap.

THE HAGGLER

So many variations. “Your tribute says £150 per hour, but with it being short notice can we do it for £100?” or “If we only did this could it be cheaper?” or “Would you throw in a free clip?” and so on.

The problem : Prices are what they are to consider overheads and how much needs to be spent to make a living.
I have, sometimes, seen Mistresses advertise “I’ve a cancellation tomorrow – so, discounted rate available” – but that’s, again, Her terms. Mistresses generally don’t sit in a dungeon all day dressed up waiting for business – even a same day session is going to usually rely on booking a premises and arranging transport, so the mentality that “a lower rate is better than no rate” from the buyers perspective is usually wrong. Instead of meeting you for nominal, if any, profit, there’s a whole bunch of stuff She can do instead. Especially as agreeing in this occasion will lead to others trying.

How not to waste time : If you want to haggle, why not go shopping in Tunisia? Haggling is expected there.

THE CARROT DANGLER

Easy. “Mistress, if You talk to me (or whatever) THEN I will buy a gift, book a session, whateverthefuckelse”

The problem : It’s back with the free consultation scheme above. She has to give Her time for free in the hope you’ll later pay for it.

How not to waste time : Gift. Deposit. Whatever. First…

I’D DO ANYTHING

“I would be your slave Mistress, I’ll do anything”

The problem : You’ve already shown you won’t. Like, you won’t read Her website, or send tribute/gift or go and understand how BDSM actually works. Also, in reality, what do you expect Her to say? “Oh, I always wanted a slave like you… come pack your bags and be my live-in slave” and at that point, are you really selling up your home to go move in with a stranger? Hmm. I don’t think you’re being serious.

How not to waste time : Go research BDSM. Watch some Porn and have a wank. Whatever.

OFFERS THAT ARE NOT

So also see – offers of cleaning house, or driving someone places

The problem : These are tired tropes. These are your fantasies, not stuff beneficial to Her. The value of what you offer is lower than the value of what you expect. Among anything else – do you have insurance? Training in COSHH and RIDDOR? Your standard car insurance doesn’t cover chauffering…

How not to waste time : Ask yourself – why would She want a stranger wandering around Her house, going through Her things.

THE LOST “I just want someone to show me the way”

See also – I want to try to be a sub.
You know, “I’m new to all this”, “I don’t know where to start”, “Please show me the way”
Just lacking direction and waiting for a Mistress to bundle the lost little puppy in Her arms

The problem : Oh. We could be here a while. I’ll try to keep it brief. (a) there is no “the way” – there are lots of ways and so a Mistress can show you HER way, but that might be very different to another Mistress or indeed what you vision. (b) your own uncertainty doesn’t really mean you’re convinced with yourself if it’s for you or not. So others can put a lot of emotional investment into you only for you to find it’s not for you. Obviously this is always a risk, but moreso a risk when you’re not convinced yourself. (c) It is going to take a lot of work from Her and, well, on averages it won’t end with rewarding sessions. The effort required to be put into mentoring you is unlikely to yield rewards.

How not to waste time : Being new is fairly daunting and some people have more needs than others. Peer support in your own community, munches, etc. would probably work better in helping you know what you want rather than expecting a Mistress to do it for you. Read some blogs, watch some porn to see what makes you tick, learn about servitude. Boost your own knowledge. You don’t have to be a total expert in submission before you move on. But having a rough idea that you may enjoy a session and what you’d enjoy is a help.

THE COCKERAL

There’s variences on that. But, the guy who has actually booked the session – including paid deposit – whom in his excitement feels the need to message the Mistress every day. Perhaps a ‘Good Morning’ text every morning at 6am when he gets up for work or constant messages about how excited he is (and maybe the session isn’t for 3 weeks so She has 20 odd more days of this!)

The problem : Your status before you booked a session has barely changed now you have. You’ve gone from “prospective client” to “future client”, message exchanges are unnecessary and add nothing – especially not frequent. Especially not 6am “Good Morning” messages. I think there is this balance between not wanting to be a pest and wanting to show you are excited – but, She does have other clients, personal subs, work, etc. who may have a touch more priority and you end up having more chance of annoying Her than exciting Her. (and no, an angry Mistress doesn’t mean ‘better play’)

How not to waste time : Again. Question if the communication is necessary. The day before, gush your heart out about how excited you are – but daily, your relationship hasn’t changed.

THE TIMEWASTER THAT SHOWS

Sometimes someone who shows up, has done everything seemingly right, paid deposits on time. Paid tribute on time. Arrived on time. Wasn’t annoying between confirmation and the day – so on – can still be a timewaster.
Simply by having not been honest… perhaps he requested a beating beyond what he could take, or strap on play with no prior experience.

The problem : The level of the problem is circumstancial again – but, if someone lied about experiences in the hope it would gain them a session, then it’s going to lead to other uncertainity of what else was lied about and so trust is going to be lost. There’s also of course the items were cleaned/prepared and will need to be cleaned/prepared again needlessly and that of course it affects the flow and idea of the session. While She still gets paid, it can still contribute to a disappointing experience.
Like. We’ve all had days at work where we’ve “got nothing done” and felt it was a waste of time despite being paid.

How not to waste time : Be honest about your experience and levels and this won’t be held against you. The reason you are asked is not because only the super-hardcore are approved, but because it tells the Mistress What equipment she needs to pack. No need bringing the super harsh canes or whips for a light/medium session (and no need to bring the light ones for a hard one) and stuff like anal play… sometimes it’s just a case of knowing if She needs to tell You how to prepare.
And, well, I know occasions with guys who’ve turned up nowhere near clean, which as well as being disgusting, it was on filming days so caused disruption to schedule while they got clean.
Just, well, don’t talk yourself up, FFS.

A FINAL WORD

Think
Would you do this in any other business?

Let’s go through some of my examples and apply it to other businesses to see how ridiculous it actually is.

~CONSULTATIONS~

I mean, OK, someone selling you a kitchen might offer a free consultation, but, do you know the mark up on these?
I considered some work in my bathroom. A bathroom store quoted me something like £2000. A builder said that wholesale he could get the sink/bath/toilet for £200 all in and fit them in a day which works out at £500.
And obviously he makes profit off that. So, for their “free consultation” they make quite a margin.
But anyway. Let’s look at some other examples.
Walking into a restaurant and talking to the server for 5 minutes to see if you click and if you’d be happy them serving you food for 2 hours. Or maybe talking to the chef for 5 minutes, just to make sure you share the same passion for food.

~THE FISHERMAN/COMPLIMENTER~

Imagine going onto restaurant facebook pages and leaving comments on all their posts as they’re made
“We’re open this evening” and you’re like, “Oh, looking good”
“Come check out our new menu,” “Oh, that looks lovely.”
“We’ve 2 for 1 on cocktails”, “mmm, cocktails”

Yeah, no one is suddenly going to be like “You like all my posts, come in for a free feed”

~THE BUSINESS ADVISOR~

You see a black cab, “How much to my house?”, “£15”, “Fifteen quid? It’s only £10 with other firm”, “Well, use other firm then”, “I will. You’d get more business if you put your prices down”
Except he wouldn’t.
Whilst you might have jumped in if he’d said £12. His petrol costs wouldn’t have decreased, the rates and insurance he pays won’t decrease, if your house is £15-away then in the time he’s away he could have done a couple of shorter trips. And that, yeah, maybe more people would use black cabs if the rates were lower but it’s still there through convenience and his expenses are still there.

~THE HAGGLER~

I did touch this may apply in a market in Tunisia, or at a car boot sale. But again.
Fill your trolly in a supermarket. £50.
“Fifty pounds? I’ll give you £40 for it.”
“No, the bill is £50.”
“Well, in ALDI it’s £35”
“Then why didn’t you go to ALDI?”
“£40 or I’ll put it all back”
“£50… or I call security”

~THE CARROT DANGLER~

I’m going to pick on my taxi driver again.
“If you drive me home for free today, I may tip you and, may book you in the future”

~OFFERS THAT ARE NOT~

“If you gave me a meal to the value of £30, I will wash dishes for an hour, which I probably won’t do as well as the pot washers you pay £8 per hour”

~COCKERAL~

Imagine booking an apointment to see a mortgage advisor and then phoning every day for no reason other than to say “good morning”!

So, as you can see. You wouldn’t do this in any other industry. I’m sure you’re not deliberately attempting to waste people’s time (he says naively) but inadvertadly you are and this becomes negative against you and may result in you being blocked and ignored and thinking it’s you that is the victim.
So. I don’t think can be said enough, sometimes context varies. But, aye, guys… try not to be a timewaster.

full time OWNED SLAVE.

I do not accept just anyone as a personal slave. The first and most important thing is CONNECTION. I must get on with you and be able, at the very least, to hold a fun and interesting conversation. How can you build a more intimate relationship with someone if you do not like them? One of My personal slaves was put through his paces and made to prove his worth over a long period of over 6 months. I must be able to see that you are serious about being owned and that you will not get bored or look elsewhere after the initial excitement wears off. If I am going to let you into My personal life, I do not have time for flakes and you must appreciate the great trust that comes with this role. you must be ready to engage in such a commitment otherwise it can end in great sadness.

What kind of things can a personal slave be involved in? The list is endless: chores, tasks, research, attending events, errands, driving and admin are some activities. The main aim of a personal slave is to make their Mistress’ life easier. Some Mistresses require their personal slave to tribute a large sum each month, I look at what the person can afford, their circumstances and, of course, how useful they can be to Me. My time is precious and it must be earnt in various ways: tasks, gifts, surprises, creativeness, readiness, etc. I give a lot of My time to My personal slaves so I expect that when I give them a task it is completed to the highest standard. That slave is being trained to be a reflection of ME and they must act accordingly.

A personal slave must show gratitude, be invisible (not wanting to show off their status all the time, it becomes boring) and be aware that Mistress will have contact with others – this should fuel you to want to do your best so you can be the favourite (not that She will ever tell you this ;)). You must prove your worth. If you are not giving Me what I need, you receive less of My time and you get rewards and punishments depending on the quality of effort with your work.

I set strict rules and a contract is signed at the beginning of the personal slavery journey. This contract can change over time to accommodate new skills learnt or changed circumstances. I do not allow my slaves to interact with other Mistresses unless pre-agreed, this fails the idea of being MINE and once you’re MINE, you should not wish to have anyone else on your mind.

I bet anyone who has considered being ‘owned’ has imagined being able to spend all day talking to their Mistress or seeing Her every day – this is not the case: Mistress still has a life to lead, sessions, commitments and Her personal life. Sometimes you will speak to Her daily and other times it may be a couple of times a week. If you become My personal slave you are absolutely more involved in My life, things become more ‘friendly’, more personal, but it is hard work. You will be required to be available when I need you but also have the ability to busy yourself when I am not free to spend time with you. You need to be motivated and creative and come up with ways to help your Mistress. And you need to WANT to be there. Never rush into ownership, make sure you are ready to commit to that one special Mistress. If not, wait, one day She will come along and turn your life around.

One of the main points when discussing ownership is that when a punishment is given, you take it and move on. If you have done something wrong, no matter how small, you need to be punished to learn. It is a long journey but the ultimate ending is to become Mistress’ special, ultimate slave who is the perfect reflection of Her hard work and status. This does not happen overnight, you must work tirelessly to get to know your Mistress, Her needs, desires, wants and they must be all you think about. Your aim in life is to make Her life better!

A note from an owned slave:

Being a personal slave is what i had dreamed of since the day i first fell into the world of BDSM. Being a personal slave is not something that should be taken lightly and is definitely not just a ‘fantasy’ for a sub to get his kicks. It also HAS to be with the right person and the Mistress you have a true connection with. For me i knew instantly the first time i met Mistress Courtney that She was the one i wanted to enter into slavery with and my dream was to become Her personal slave. So the day which is so crystal clear in my mind still that Mistress gave me my collar and accepted me as Her personal slave was and is so truly very special and one to be treasured forever.
As i mentioned before being a Personal slave is not about you as the submissive getting your kicks it’s ALL about Mistress and making sure you attend to all of Her needs and essentially doing all you can to make Mistresses life easier for Her. Being a personal slave does not mean Mistress keeps me chained and left in the dungeon 24-7 and beaten every hour (although of course if Mistress wanted to She of course could). Of course Mistress and i spend lots of time in the Dungeon for play/punishments/rewards but the main part of being a personal slave is the work you need to put in and you have to be prepared to do that. i have had days when i have had tasks coming out my ears and thought my head would explode but would i change anything ? Absolutely not. Being a personal slave make no mistake can be hard work but throughout that hard work what keeps me working hard for Mistress is the thought that at the end of my task or tasks i may get an email or text or call from Mistress saying ‘well done I am pleased with you’ as those magical words are all i strive for and it makes me very happy to know i have pleased Mistress.
If you are lucky enough to meet your dream Mistress and you are given the chance to prove your worth as Her personal slave, grab it with both hands show complete Devotion to your Mistress 24-7 and work so hard for Her.
It’s an amazing feeling